Sky news yesterday were running a special day long feature about the flooding on the Somerset Levels, which if you ask me is maybe not as descriptive a name as they could have had. Maybe they should have considered 'Somerset just under Sea Level'? Anyhey, suffice to say I now know a lot more about that region, which is not difficult as I hadn't heard the name 24 hours ago.
What I have learned is that the area was drained around the 12th century (or since before the Doomsday Book if you believe Wikipedia, and I often choose to..) and up until reasonably recent times, has survived serious flooding since their creation by man made interventions such as dredging and pumping . Which if you think about it must have meant that some people really wanted to live there back in the day when all that work must have been done by hand, maybe with a little help from an ox? If I were a betting man I'd say they didn't have any choice as the landed gentry had nicked all the ground high enough to stay dry. I'm sure once the poor had drained and cultivated the swamp the lords taxed them on the produce that came out of the ground, such is the way of things. Oh no, I feel my French Republican side coming out, that's what happens when you spend ten years living the Entente Cordial. Even now I can hear La Marseillaise playing the background, 'Contre nous de la tyrannie'... Anyway, according to an irate local councillor being interviewed by the Sky news reporter, and he was very irate, life was good there and the drainage was being taken care of efficiently by local people up until around twenty years ago. They suffered minor flooding from time to time but this cleansing action was actually good for the environment, so a balance was being struck in the nature there. Then up rocked the Environment Agency..
The government department decided that the whole thing would be better managed by them, relieving the locals of the bother that they'd had for the last nine hundred years or so. I don't know about you, but the picture that springs in to my mind immediately is a patronising civil servant in a bowler hat and holding a brief case and umbrella, talking down to a smock wearing yokel with a straw in his mouth and holding a pitch-fork and jug of scrumpy? After all what would the locals know about it, they'd only been living there for the best part of a millennium? But I'm sure the guy with the suit had plenty of reports to show how much money they could save by centralising control of the area, besides, they weren't giving anyone a choice in the matter.
So the first thing the EA do is stop dredging, the second is to take control of when to switch on the pumps. Now I'm no scientist nor am I a mathematician, but I have a feeling that if you take a deep vessel and you take a shallow chalice, you can fit more fluid in the former? Eureka. This has nothing to do with the vessel having a pestle being compared with a chalice from the palace, thanks Danny... With less space to run in to the water did what water does, it found the route of least resistance and flowed where it wanted, mainly in to fields then in to people's houses. At which point the locals started to call Whitehall and ask if they wouldn't mind switching the pumps on please? 'Don't worry we'll switch them on when it's necessary' came the reply, meanwhile in Somerset the cat floated by on a coffee table..
What really made me smile was that after an area the size of Bristol had been under water for a month, the Government emergence committee swung in to action. Thanks for speedy response, the horse has not only already bolted, but it's in the 3.30 at Sandown..
This committee is called COBR and pronounced the same as cobra or /ˈkəʊ.brə/ for my CELTA friends (that means you Michael, Renate and Kati. I don't know of any others who read this?), and it stands for the Cabinet Office Briefing Room. I'm sure the macho name resonated well in the ears of the officials who came up with it. You normally hear it used when the group is being put together to combat a terrorist threat or consider military action, so the aggressive connotation with a poisonous snake is perhaps apt. However when dealing with a flood it seems like overkill. More of the frenzied Corporal Jones' 'don't panic, don't panic' to what would have been a more re-assuring response from Sergeant Wilson of 'don't worry we're on the case'. I would suggest the government form a second committee for these internal, not threatening invasion type of crises and name it something more appropriate. Nothing too soft like BUBBLES or BUNNY, but maybe CARE or RELAX. These aren't acronyms of course, how much spare time do you think I have to write this?! They could take the concept further and their hold music for when you call them could be Bob Marley singing 'Don't worry about a thing' or even better Bobby McFerrin and his 'Don't worry, be happy'. (What is it about reggae singers having the initials B.M. and singing songs that begin with the word 'Don't'? Is that common? They must have been well peeved when Brian May was on 'Don't stop me now', that ruined the run..)
What's the moral of the story then? I would offer that the cheapest option is not always the best or don't always trust the experts, oh and I would rename the area Atlantis, best be honest..
For those of you reading this via Expat Blog and expecting news from the UAE, I can only apologise. Normal service will be resumed shortly, but as a quick update - everything is fine here, they are introducing National Service for the local lads, the weather has been warm and Carrefour are doing buy one get one free on Digestive biscuits. Mustn't grumble, apple crumble..
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